When it comes to telling the story of how I met my husband, I've always been pretty straight forward. It has its comedy and is a pretty good story to tell, but when it comes to romance, I bring it all. My husband has never been romantic, nor has he ever pretended to be someone he's not. His sincerity is what I first fell in love with, and it's the reason I see him today and truly think I can read his mind. He's not convinced of this no matter how often I prove this to be the case.
However, in its humor and the short, comic antidotes, the temptation to dwell on the loss is always there in the back of my brain. I wanted to be romanced, to be swept away. I wanted a "honeymoon period," and while I proudly say that we've always known who we were individually and together, part of that seems to have ruined the "honeymoon" phase. And I still own that sadness.
However, as years go by I reflect on advice so many gave me before I ever met Mr. Not Romantic, and these reflections reinforce the fact that I already know-- he will always be Mr. Right. You see, I chose to get married. My eyes were wide open. It's part of who we are as a couple and our identity is yet being uncovered in the passing of years. But the whirlwind romance? The movie-like drama? It's here and it's yet to come!
There's something about the identity of our marriage-- the vast differences, the early hardships, the family dynamics, the memories we've made, those we haven't and those we've yet to make-- that constantly whispers is a soft wind that I hadn't held onto until just yesterday. Our marriage is that adventure we were seeking. Our marriage is FULL of adventure and if we continually to be intentional about our marriage, that part of who we are-- the explorers, the creators, the fighters-- is still there and we continue to shove it down.
Why do we do that? Well, frankly, we do it because we're clueless. We've forgotten that we chose to be married. We forgot that it wasn't something that happened to us, but it was actually something we did intentionally. And we forgot the dreams that led us to do so. We point to them occasionally, but we've gotten pulled apart in many different directions that tempted us to live life and to treat our marriage as something we got carried away in. But I wasn't swept away. I embarked on an adventure-- one I am still on and will be for the rest of my life. In fact, we even recruited a third to join us on that trip.
And so I write this entry. It is a reminder that as we embark on this next year of marriage (tomorrow is our anniversary), to be intentionally married. I've been good about being an adventurous parent-- I've not been as diligent about being an adventurous spouse. So this is my plan and my challenge to you:
1-- Let's find adventures: I want to seek out things that neither of us have tried and see if we can find knew things that become something we do together. They would be things we've never done before, so that whenever we do do them, whether together or apart, we are reminded of us.
2-- Talk tradition: As life continues forward, some times that were traditionally one thing have gotten quite amiguous. I want to form new traditions as a family and intentionally decide which ones we keep from our extended families and which we make our own and how.
3-- Family Time! I add this because it's another thing we should name and do intentionally. My daughter is constantly shouting out "Family meeting!" or "Family hugs!" or "Family game night!!!" Why hasn't this been a reminder that we are a family and that she hungers for these moments because that hunger is a desire God has placed in her heart because it is important!
4-- Like what he likes: I need to stop shutting down things he likes. I don't like when he does it to me, why would I expect a positive reaction when I'm the one shutting down? Contrary to popular belief, what you like isn't a fixed point and it's not what makes you who you are. Preferences don't define your character nor form your values. If I tried, I could learn to like what he likes. If I wanted to have fun, I could make it fun. And suddenly we would find ourselves having fun together! And having fun together is a pretty strong glue that helps to hold things together. The memories formed while having fun help carry things along when things get rough.
5-- Think positively. The temptation is to assume the worst. He hates my family. He thinks I'm ugly. He wants me to be his maid with benefits. I've thought these things. I've fed these trains of thought that have destroyed entire nights entirely based on things that happened solely in my brain. And then I watched Tomorrowland. I know! Who'd have thought a Disney movie could challenge me to act like I'm supposed to? But I've been feeding the wrong wolf for a long long time. How might my marriage be transformed if assuming was replaced by understanding?