It’s time for me to face some things that I’ve been neglecting– all spiritual weaknesses that I’ve been excusing. A great church is a great place for spiritual growth, but when we’re in a spiritual desert and can find no community, this is no excuse to back off of my relationship with God. I’m reading the book Great Parents, Lousy Lovers, and I will openly say I struggle with some of the strong language and hard challenges in the book, but I respect the authors and their wisdom, and the latest chapter is one I may have to bookmark and read several times. It’s nothing profound– just a knock over the head and a good “DUH” in my face saying, “Amber, where’s your faith (and we’re not talking about that surface-level faith and great words at the right time, but a profound and sincere faith from the depths of every part of my heart)?"
How can I begin to help others to spiritual maturity while I have my ideas about relationship with God, but have been neglecting that actual relationship? A challenging chapter that I read last night was Matthew 15, which talks about the overflow of the heart. My words are not harsh, nor does the overflow show as publicly as it may with some. But my heart has been bitter and my "venting” with a friend here has perhaps been the “overflow” of that bitterness. Yes, it’s better put in venting to her than in other places, but this bitterness is BEST when it’s disposed of, and this happens when I do just what I plan to do from this day forward– spend time focusing on my own spiritual journey and let God’s love that He pours into me overflow (as opposed to the bitterness that I’ve been feeding in my lack of attention to my spiritual life overflow in judgment of others). Have I come across as judgmental to people here? Probably not. Most of them probably have no idea the feelings I’ve harbored, but my relationships have been tainted by a sense of superiority that I’ve been using to protect myself from my loneliness–again, a result of me failing to pay attention to my spiritual life.
My spiritual journey was never meant to stop at graduation, and I brought books here specifically to continue to feed my mind and continue to grow in spiritual maturity.
So I ask you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, to hold me responsible for what I say and do– to keep me sincere and growing in my walk with Christ, and to help remind me of the path I started long ago towards a God-led sincere ministry. I want the love of God to shine and to shine without fault, and no one can open the doors to let God in except for me. However, I am blessed with many wise couselors and will dedicate a portion of every day to pray for each of you in all truth, just as I often say I will.
With much love and renewed strength and joy and faith in the God who is able to do incredibly more than we can ask for or imagine– only He can say if my life stops or goes.