Getting back in the rhythm of the day-to-day business world since coming back from Brazil has been difficult to say the least. Had we never left, perhaps I wouldn’t be going through the list of “what if"s, but here I am going through them. As we struggle to find work in an economy where even our most loyal clients aren’t getting much of anything, we find ourselves wondering if our past history is worth staying or if we should start over in another field. Should we get into wood floors or a similar construction field. Construction is, afterall, what we’re most familiar with and Cesar has built several buildings and has at least some experience in almost every aspect of home building. Should we, perhaps, consider relocating? But will relocating mean prices that aren’t worth it or falling into the same cycle in another few years. It feels like we are constantly starting over and starting over again. I find myself looking for any way possible to continue to stay with my daughter and still bring in some income. I’ve designed some websites, sold Mary Kay, and would absolutely love to have some down time to dedicate to writing something worth selling on Amazon’s ebooks. But, again, the reason for me to stay at home is to take this valuable time to teach my daughter, to instill values and language in her that she won’t get in a school or at a babysitter. One family member commented that she could see the difference in Audrey having stayed at home with me, and that reinforced my desire to strive to make things work from home. There are many things I’m sure I would love about getting back into the work force. It would certainly feed my social hunger. But then I look at Audrey and I see her security, and I watch as her personality blooms and she is so loving and caring. I see the negative influences children can soak up at so young an age and I pray to be able to continue to form her and watch as she forms herself.
And yet… I see ministry opportunities opening up and I see my role growing. I am encouraged by church news and movements and long to be a part of them. I ask myself, when will my hopes and dreams line up with God’s and when will we be free to do all that we have dreamed? When do we stop starting over and start… really start?
Don’t read me as being discouraged. I ask these questions in faith that these days will come. I look into my daughters eyes and I see a glad future. I know the day is coming. And I am in wait for a new beginning. A chance to start over a lasting story.