Arrogance and/or knowledge
This is something i have pondered for a very long time, a good part of the seven years i have been married and stemmed in a nagging feeling through college. And here i am typing it out on my cell app at midnight because the thoughts just couldnt stay in any longer.
What if i am not really all that smart? An idiot is not so very far from a wise man, i think haldf of proverbs tells me that. For me, its not a faith struggle persay, but after a lot of reading and education it is easy, perhaps too easy, to label things… idiosy, heresy, stupidity, first world problem, etc. Does labeling place us in a better position? It certainly allows us to look down on media…, and on people, but does that help? Im trying to hone in here on a focus, but perhaps i have been around brazilians too long to focus in that oh so structured way (is that a first world problem?). Take half of what i say at face value and the other half rather tongue in cheek i would say.
I want to be smart. I loooong for intellectual conversation and dialogue. With the right people i can get motivated and energized off of our big words and pretending i know every single piece of terminology thrown out in different circles (and the tough part is pretending to know in a few languages). But i also look around. At times my snobbish laughter is cut short when i realize it is at the expense of someone else. And who makes me so right? Espeicially on the popular hot topics in life and theology? Do all so called smart people… theologians, historians, scientists, agree on these hot topics? If people who have lived and studied much longer than i have can come to ignorant conclusion A or idiotic conclusion B, am i (fairly simple minded despite my thirst for knowledge) not prone to jumping to conclusions erroneously labeled as logical?
Its always easy to make a statement that makes you seem smart, and then what does that statement do? I will now go through some examples to demonstrate a point. They are general and not directed at anyone, but things i have been thinking about, especially in the many times i have caught myself feeling particularly haughty or snobbish:
1. First world problems. Worst phrase anyone has come up with to throw on any given summary or picture. Everyone has problems. And while perspective is certainly essential, THINK about what it says. It says my problems are not important. It says that some things that mean a great deal to a lot of people do not matter. So far, not bad thinking in a haughty discussion. Now break it down to practice. A girl comes up to you torn up about the way she looks. Drives up in an expensive car and looks at you with empty eyes. She has got a first world problem. She is probably hiding many more, particularly from you because you have made her problems seem rather petty. But they matter to her. And she is not going to make that great difference in her world or anyones world with the perspectives placed on a facebook status. No, she is probably going to throw herself down a gigantic drain of her first world problems and see where they lead her. Are some of these posts humorous? Yes, i myself probably have some in my own history. But i also have known very depressed people and seen some very dark holes. And sometimes i have stopped to think if i am trading one person in a dark hole for another person in a dark hole.
2. Apocolypse, prophecy, supernatural: Hiw can i loop these all into one? Because the ame people tend to be on the same side of these discussions, pick one. I will say this. I have faith and will follow the God of the Bible and i will do what i can to not contradict anything the Bible says. That being said, i am conflicted ALL THE TIME about these issues, and i will now tell you why. A. Many smart people can be seen on both sides of any issue. B. I am not ready to jump on the smart wagon if there is a chance that wagon could be wrong. B1. Soooo many smart and intellectual people missed (and continue to miss) Jesus fulfilling the OT prophecies. What if i am so stubbornly convinced of one interpretation only to be so incredibly wrong? Trust me. I get teased about this one from all sides. You CANNOT make me talk with you about the end times, but i can recommend several great books and articles that will leave you right beside me i am sure. But i know that faith needs something more than knowing everything. It means trusting and MY faith, well, i want it to be sooooo educated. If i could study my husband like i do God, it would be AWESOME…. i think. But i have learned through experience, travel, relationships. God is definitely there. He is soo big and sooo true. I cant possibly get him completely right, but i do not want to misrepresent him either. Nor do i ever hope to be the reason for doubt in him. Because who am i? I, more than smart, want to be a testimony. More than right, i want to be there for hi and for whomever he may put in my path. And more than wanting to know every answer to every theological question, if im being completely honest with myself, i want to know how to love him more and how that can be DEMONSTRATED beyond theologies in my life. I want knowledge. I need intellect. And it cant be less knowlege or less smart. No, it really needs to be more. Specifically, more than. I need to be smart in a way that i am actively useful in building, contructing. Do not let me be that bridge burner. Do not let my hunger for knowledge and the studies i have done build barriers. I only really want them, they really are most useful when used to break barriers and build bridges. If they can bring relationships… real, honest, true, hard, challenging and loving relationship with the God who Is LOVE. Real love. I think thats why i love the song take my life. Because it says to take my hands, take my heart… and then it says “take my intellect and use…”