Confessions of a Messy Mom

I love to write. I am ambitious. I am a mess. And I love spending time with my super cool super daughter. But I am not super mom. I will admit that all my excuses for not being super mom were just that-- excuses to justify all the failures and guilt I've built up about not being the mom I hoped I would be. And then I had a break-through... yesterday and today. Which leads me to a time of confession. So, in true Messy Mom style, let's see where this entry takes us. I have an idea, but am not quite sure where this will end up.

1. I only kind of have a plan

Most moms I look up to and admire will cringe at most of this post if I know them at all. I am adventuring into homeschooling (albeit temporarily) and I only kinda sorta have a plan. I feel a sense of accomplishment in already having one structured history/arts curriculum for 1st grade and 2 very flexible and different "curriculum options" for the rest of it. It's not what anyone encourages me to do, so I cover it with my technical savvy by highlighting my few and far between blog entries and entering details after the fact (most of the time) about the school I do with my daughter and what we cover in the semi-planned time of "school." My daughter doesn't have a set bedtime (I feel everyone cringing now) and we work well that way. I justify that in our philosophy of being a multi-cultural and portable family.

2. My house is awful

If anyone has seen the movie Mom's Night Out, there is a scene where the main character is found in her closet on her computer. It includes the phrases "hiding from the house," "the house is awful," and "stress paralyzed." This had me in tears laughing, yet it is the me-moment of the entire movie. Most articles I see every day talk about organizing lesson plans, organizing the school space, making a meal plan, keeping a clean house and making a budget. Now I'M cringing. I am writing the words "organizing," "plans," and (the word that moves me to tears) "budget" and I am about to jump out of my skin. This is not because I enjoy funky smells (I pride myself at being able to usually manage to keep germs, bacteria and smells out of the equation) or because I love shopping. I would love an organized life, and a budget would be an incredible thing to stick to. And then I try to make these things happen and I see myself being distant and cold and I usually end up in tears. I CRY of frustration every time my husband asks somebody to clean my house because I can never find vital items for WEEKS after a "cleaning."

3. I spend too much time on the computer

Ask anyone. I am GREAT with technology. I LOVE Facebook and I like to watch movies. I am on the computer too much. Sometimes I feel the creative juices flowing and I need to be... well, creative. In high school and college, this usually meant dreaming up an incredible romance story (I never finished a single one-- just wrote scenario after marvelous scenario), but admittedly find myself lacking inspiration in my awfully messy and uncontrolable life. So I've turned to making web pages (that I also only finish if I'm doing it for someone else), logos, powerpoints, pamphlets, or anything at all that can make me feel talented again. I miss playing soccer, I miss adult conversation, I miss romantic inspiration, so I go to my computer.

4. I love books, but can't seem to finish one

I encourage EVERYONE to read as much as possible. My passions include anything international, relationships, soccer, music and BOOOOOOOOOOKS! Yet somehow I have found it impossible to get through an entire adult book (especially non-fiction) for... a long time. I have fallen in love with Cinderella, with colorful illustrations, with colors in general, and (here's the confession of all confessions...) GLITTER! I try to convince my daughter that it is she, not me, in love with pink and glitter, but she is soooo over it (well, pink at least, but not over glitter) and I am sooooo holding on to it. In fact, I'm considering a trip to the Dollar Store tomorrow to grab something to make a glitter something or other... haven't quite planned that far ahead yet other than hopefully a swimming lesson.

5. I both linger and rush home when I have an excuse to go out

Any excuse at all. We need whipping cream for the dinner I started cooking until realizing we were missing something? AWESOME! Honey, please stay here while mommy runs reeeeallly quickly to the grocery store. Suddenly I find myself in the grocery store parking lot unwilling to leave and dancing to music in the comfort of my driver's seat. A "quick" trip can take up to 45 minutes if I'm particularly inclined or the radio station particularly inspired. And yet on the extremely rare ocasions when I go to a true "Mom's Night Out," however great it may feel, once back in the car I feel myself rushing in the door anticipating that wonderful cuddle that comes with a welcome home hug.

These are just 5 of the many confessions I have chosen out of the long list I may or may not admit on a daily basis. I find myself comparing to anyone and everyone, true to life and fictional, and I am convinced that it doesn't matter how happy we are in the moment or how I justify things, at the end of the day, deep down, I don't accept these justifications as truth. I actually believe that there is a possibility that I am not doing what is best for my daughter. I so very often believe that I am being selfish and thinking more of myself than of her. I am great at justifying, but am just as great at secretly convincing myself that these amazing blogs about building women up and being okay with imperfection are not for "slacking", "Messy Moms," like me, but for the super moms who I admire and love.

And it was only today that I realized I believed these things in that deep down part of me. I felt the frustration that accompanied the beliefs. I see an incomplete seminary degree, a perceived lack of prominent ministry deserving of my years of education and my passion for missions and family, job offers turned down for the privilege of being with my daughter and I am frustrated that nothing seems complete. So I start jotting down plans and ideas that I pray will happen and then wonder on which soil to toss these wild seeds of what is left of my passion and intelligence. And I get "stress paralyzed," without feeling deserving of the "stress." I have one amazing and relatively easy child! My husband is rarely home. So why can't I keep our house in order and why do the dishes look like we have 10 people living with us?

I will not be the person to answer this question, but I will say that I have reached that break-through because of several conversations and, most obviously, through a movie and an article. If you can relate at all to anything I've said (or perhaps if I completely puzzle you), first check out this article that seems like it was written about my life (mostly) so that I might see my life in a different light (click here).

Then, run to your library or go on Amazon and watch Mom's Night Out. I do like cheesey, but I thought this was mostly just laugh out loud amazing therapy. There is, however, one (maybe two) scene(s) where I almost cried and couldn't explain why until I read the above article. I leave you tonight with two scenes: The FIRST one-- Because I can't resist showing you the laugh-out-loud mess. I realize it's not one I talked about (for some reason no one has posted my truly favorite closet scene), but I just had to include one of the funny scenes because I love to laugh and even with my clown of a daughter, I felt I needed an adult laugh. The SECOND one-- because it's what I needed to hear to set me up reading the above article.

And on that note I now freely embrace the "mess" (I don't think that's what my sister had in mind when creating her organizational business called Bless This Mess) and continue on this path with continued strength, renewed passion, and a realization that somewhere in all of this, who I am can work to not only my own benefit, but also to the benefit of those around me. Beyond that, I can be a good mom and still be who I am while still growing and learning.

Next question? Which super mom am I? I need ideas because I have this strange obsession with the super hero movies, but I am writing this and thinking, I know there are messed up parts of every super hero, so what is your super power?

#mom #planning #teaching